I Deleted Social Media For a Full Month — Here’s What I Learned

Facebook was first introduced when I was in college, and I refused to join for years. I didn’t understand the point. But over the course of the following decade, social media played the long game. It crept into my life until it became as routine as brushing my teeth or drinking coffee.

One of the blessings, and curses, of older millennials like me is that social media is a major part of our lives, but we also remember a time when there was no social media. When we had to take over our parents’ phone lines to be able to dial into AOL to leave an angsty away message or song lyrics on AIM. The only people we could talk to were those whose screen names we knew. We may have shared journal entries on Live Journal or MySpace. But if we wanted to keep in touch with what was going on with our friends, and the world at large, we picked up the phone. We walked the mall and chatted. We watched the local news on TV.

Social media wasn’t a part of my life like it is now until I was an adult. And now that I have a kid of my own, I fondly remember childhood days spent building forts in the backyard and riding bikes around the neighborhood. My kid is too young for phones yet, and far too young for social media. But thinking about how his childhood will be so different than mine always brings a lump to my throat.

But recently, in the present, I was watching my son throw a frisbee around the backyard when I started to feel a sense of unease. It’s important to me to be present with him — both so that I can really live mindfully in these sweet moments of childhood, and so that he knows he has his mother’s full attention when we’re playing. But I couldn’t stop thinking about the phone in my pocket. No one was calling or texting me. Yet, because I felt bored watching my son throw the frisbee for the 47th time, I felt overwhelming temptation to pull out my phone to check Facebook and Instagram.

Normally, I would check quickly, put my phone away, then return my attention to the reckless frisbee throwing. But I had just finished reading Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention by Johann Hari. It was one of those books that stuck with me, a book that I repeatedly wanted to throw across the room and shout “you don’t know me!”

In the book, the author talks at length about how our phones, especially social media on our phones, are literally hijacking our attention. I felt it in that moment with my son, and I decided to confront myself. Why did I want to look at my phone? Was checking my likes more important than playing with my 4-year-old? What was I looking for? And in a moment where I could have just let my attention wander, why did I feel an uncomfortable need to check my phone?

I’ve been doing a lot of work with mindfulness and staying present. And of course taking a break from social media had positive effects in that area. I’m terrified of the future effects on kids who’ve had to compete with phones, particularly social media scrolling, for their parents’ attention. But that’s a topic for another day.

I have some big plans in the works for my life. And as a busy full-time working mom, I have negative time to work with. I knew I needed to clear some space for myself and meaningful work. And that moment with my son, feeling like an addict trying to resist her vice, push me over the edge. I decided to quit cold turkey — to delete social media for a month as an experiment. And lots of things happened.

I Broke the Scroll Habit

Mindless scrolling, or doom scrolling, had become a normal part of my day. What was truly scary were those first few days when I found myself automatically reaching for my phone, then realizing there was nothing to check. In those moments, I was forced to ask myself what I was doing. Nothing will make you rethink your phone habits like catching yourself in an involuntary, reflexive act, then having to interrogate yourself about your own motives.

Every time I unconsciously reached for my phone in those first few days of my hiatus, I got in the habit of asking myself what it was I was looking for in that moment. Was I looking to zone out? Looking for validation? Trying to find a moment of relaxation? Trying to drown out the thoughts in my own head?

After answering the question posed to myself, I was able to make a conscious choice to replace the scrolling. If I needed a moment of rest, I could do a quick breathing exercise or meditation. If I wanted to learn something, or I was looking to hear another voice, I could pick up one of the dozens of books on my want-to-read list. And instead of drowning out my own voice with other voices and hot takes, I could pick up my own notebook and pen — which led to…

I Gave Myself Space to Hear My Own Thoughts

I hadn’t realized it, but most times when I had the chance to let my mind wander, to dream or process, I was picking up my phone. In moments where I had the opportunity to think for myself, I was reaching to see other people’s thoughts. I was constantly flooding my mind with voices that were not my own.

Mind-wandering is actually crucial, especially for creative people. That space in your own head is where ideas spark and grow. It deserves to be protected. Without the temptation to scroll, I could hear the thoughts sparking in my own head. Instead of looking for other takes, other voices for validation or to disagree with, I gave myself space to hear my own voice.

The Roe v. Wade decision came down while I was on my social media hiatus. And while I usually take to social media in moments of national crisis, the break from social was welcome. I processed the news in my own way. I reached out to close friends offline. And I was lucky enough to be surrounded by women and queer theater professionals that day at a staged reading. By connecting more deeply to people, I was able to processing my feelings (grief, despair, rage, strength, purpose) rather than just sitting in the rage of scrolling.

I Found the Free Time I Was Desperate For

I’d been desperately trying to find time to pursue my dreams and passions. I didn’t realize just how much time social media checking was stealing from me. Fifteen minutes here to write down some notes, ten minutes there to read a chapter in the book I was struggling to finish. It turned out that there was free time in my schedule once I wasn’t tempted to scroll.

I Got Clear On How and Why I Wanted to Connect

I was surprised by how little I missed social media after those first few days. There were only four times in the month of June that I was tempted to post anything: after seeing a show I loved and wanted to rave about, after a fabulous, long-overdue vacation in Jamaica with my husband, the day my son finished his first year at preschool, and after singing at a Pride event on the Boston Common (my son’s first Pride event!).

Upon reflection at the end of the month, I only felt compelled to share joy, love and pride. I didn’t feel the urge to go on social during difficult moments — not when I found out about Roe v. Wade, and not in moments when the news angered me.

I also got clear on what I missed seeing. I missed seeing life updates from friends, suggestions for great content to check out, and a few social invitations. And I missed being on social for Juneteenth.

Also, I’ve been a member of Goodreads for years. But I realized that was one social media platform I hadn’t thought of as social media. But a place to share book recommendations and rave about the stories that changed me? That’s a social media I truly value.

I Got Unnerved Watching People Scroll Around Me

When you’re not busy looking down at your own phone, you notice everyone else around you looking down at their phones. And when it’s not a normal part of your own life, it can be unnerving to witness.

It’s glaringly obvious when people are escaping into their phones instead of being in the present moment with you. There’s really nothing more eye-opening than having that outside perspective.

I Cleared Some Anger From My Life

About a week into June, I realized that I felt calmer overall, like some kind of weight had been lifted. It took me a bit to realize that the only major thing that had changed in my life was taking a break from social media.

Even though I follow mostly inspirational content and friends and family I respect, social media can still be an overwhelmingly negative environment to be in. But without being a daily audience member of social media battles, call-outs and ignorance, my nervous system calmed in a really noticeable way. And I got to focus on my conversations with friends and family offline.

It is my belief that over half of the arguments that occur in social media comments would not occur if those people were face to face. Can you imagine comments section fights happening in coffee shops or meetings? A computer screen often acts as a kind of shield, and it’s easier for people to forget the humanity of the people on the other side.

When you talk to people offline, there’s less “or” and more “and”. There’s room for nuance — space for respectful disagreement or changing one’s mind. I got so hooked on the renewed hope I experienced from taking social media interactions out of the equation that when the month of June ended, I almost dreaded returning to social. I didn’t even look at the apps for almost a week after my hiatus ended, and I knew when I returned that I’d be making some serious changes to my social media usage.

Takeaways

It’s not a surprise that social media divides us. I’ve been diving into that topic and will have more to share soon. But during my hiatus, I got clear on how this kind of connection drives us further apart. Social media fills our already busy minds with constant voices. We would never just allow 1000 physical people access to our energy and our minds at all hours of the day, would we?

I’ve had a bad habit in my lifetime of thinking that other people must know better than I do in most cases. And as a recovering people pleaser, time away from social allowed me to make some big decisions for my own life without playing the comparison game. It forced me to trust in the steps I was taking in my own life and not look around wildly for validation.

I know I won’t be leaving social media for good. It obviously has enormous benefits (it’s probably why you’re reading this article right now!) But the perspective I’ve gained in such a short time was invaluable — and now I know what to do if I feel myself getting out of control again with my usage.

We don’t deserve to be held hostage by algorithms. We all deserve to carve out intentional time, fully aware of what we’re doing and why, before we give our minds over to the endless scroll. I know that’s what I’ll be striving to do from now on — accessing social media on my own terms instead of giving social media unfettered access to my time and energy.