Other People’s Choices Are Dragging Me Down

COVID-19 has put us at the mercy of other people’s choices. And for those of us who feel the weight of responsibility, it’s just getting heavier.

I’m tired. I’m tired for so many reasons this year. One of those reasons is that I’m sick of having to care so much about other people’s choices.

It’s true that the choices we make always have an effect on those closest to us. But nowadays, other people’s choices can actually be a matter of life and death in our own lives. People voting a certain way seems to have a greater effect on my life than ever before. People remaining ignorant to injustice around them has real implications for my family. But it’s COVID-19 that has put into sharp focus just how much we can be held hostage by other people’s choices.

I’m sick of zigzagging through supermarkets, dodging people who won’t just pull their damned masks over their noses. I’m sick of going to my favorite coffee shop to order my morning dark roast and having to walk right out again when I see other customers wearing their masks stubbornly on their chins.

I’m sick of seeing news stories about big weddings and parties that continue to happen while my family spends yet another night at home. I’m sick of seeing case counts and deaths skyrocket while my behavior has remained largely unchanged since March.

I feel so done with weighing the risks of people around me and having to decide if I’m okay with taking those risks on for myself and my family. I feel so done with having to justify the COVID-related choices I’ve made to other people, and I’m done having to consider other people’s choices while making my own.

I’m scared and worried about other people’s choices when it comes to taking the COVID vaccine (because if 70-80% of Americans can’t trust science and take the vaccine, then we won’t fully get out of this mess). And I just never want to have to consider a “bubble” ever again. I’m sick of being at the mercy of other people’s comfort level when it comes to risk.

The level of negotiation and monitoring behind seeing people during a pandemic is putting an extraordinary amount of strain on families and friend groups. On people who used to be able to say, “Hey, you do you!” without worrying much about the repercussions.

I’m sick of having to live this way because other people decided that they just can’t, or won’t, live this way. No matter how safe we are being in our own lives, we are at the mercy of other people and their choices.

‘Pandemic Fatigue’ Doesn’t Change Anything

Having to worry so much about other people’s choices is like being on red alert all the time. It means always assessing your environment for risk. Feeling like the “pandemic police” means not getting to relax your nervous system because other people have decided to relax theirs. And it seems that the more other people loosen their standards, the heavier the weight of responsibility feels on the rest of us. Those of us who feel like we’re stranded on a deserted island, screaming, “Hey, we’re still in a pandemic!”

It’s bizarre and infuriating and exhausting.

At the beginning of the pandemic, there was hope in the phrase, “We’re all in this together.” Now, I’d give anything to not be stuck in the same boat with Americans who refuse to take COVID-19 seriously.

I’ve talked before about how frustrating, and terrifying, it can be when other people won’t give an inch. About people who won’t reevaluate their actions and consider the affect of those actions on others. But what about those of us who keep striving to keep others safe? What kind of toll is this taking on people who continue to take this pandemic seriously despite the effects on our own mental health?

I miss my family and friends. I miss hugging in greeting (I’ve always been a hugger). I miss having a house full of people. I miss going out to brunch on Sunday mornings and going to bar trivia nights. I miss theater. I miss bringing my son indoors literally anywhere. I worry about my son not getting to play with other kids his age. But the risk is just not worth it. Not for me or those around me. And so, I will continue to go without.

Yes, I have pandemic fatigue. We all do. That is irrelevant to my choices. Fatigue or not, I will continue to base my decisions on science and facts in an effort to keep my family safe. So when other people use ‘pandemic fatigue’ as an excuse for reckless behavior, I just feel so…tired.

This constant stress inevitably takes a toll. People who continue to ‘follow the rules,’ while others laugh at the rules, are running on empty. Having to negotiate and renegotiate “rules” within bubbles leaves people completely drained. And I can imagine that the people who have spent the majority of this year alone must be so painfully lonely watching other people flout common sense.

Those of us who care are just here trying to make the safest choices we can. But we are truly at the mercy of the people around us who may not feel the burden of responsibility on their shoulders quite so heavily. Or who don’t feel the burden of responsibility at all. And that takes a toll on those of us who consider others when we make our choices.

The Vaccine at the End of the Tunnel

COVID-19 is obviously not a new threat, but never has it felt so close. It feels like the walls of COVID are closing in around my life. My friends have it. Family members have it. I believe most of these people have been as safe as their lives allow. But someone in their lives made a choice that then exposed them to COVID. Emergency rooms have then turned them away, even when they have chest pain or shortness of breath, because they don’t have severe enough symptoms. Hospital workers are drowning, wave after wave, in other people’s choices.

As I write this, coronavirus has infected over 16 million and killed 300,000. And the rate at which the cases are rising is staggering. But people seem to be so numb to suffering and death these days. Sometimes, I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a burning room watching people go about their business as if nothing is happening. And worse yet, as I’m watching the world burn, there are people who will gaslight me and make me feel like I’m taking COVID-19 too seriously.

So how do we survive this crippling exhaustion? This insurmountable burden we feel we carry on our shoulders? Normally, if someone were dealing with stress from high expectations, we’d say:

“Something’s got to give.”

“Relax a little.”

“Don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”

But these “normal” solutions are not options. We have to keep taking this virus seriously. The risk of slipping up is too great.

That doesn’t negate how hard this all is. If you, like me, are struggling with the weight of feeling like the “pandemic police,” I see you. I am tired. We are tired. I will always care about other people, but I feel like I am just dragging my body toward the finish line at this point. Toward the day when I can just worry about myself. When I’m not held hostage by, and at the mercy of, other people’s choices.

We just have to focus on that bright light at the end of this very dark tunnel. The end is in sight, and we don’t even have to squint to see it. Vaccinations are happening in America as we speak. In the meantime though, we have to take care of ourselves. We have to continue to do what we believe to be right, and keep our eyes on the (vaccine) prize. Just think of how much stronger we’ll be for what we’ve gone through, and how free we’ll feel when we emerge from quarantine knowing that we’ve done our part to stay safe and save lives.

I, for one, will continue to dream of the day when I can again say to those around me: “Hey, you do you.”