We All Need Self Care, But What Does That Actually Mean?
Oh, self care. It’s an answer to so many problems we’ve all faced. From disappointments and overpacked schedules to anxiety, depression, and trauma. When we’re going through a tough time, or when life gets overwhelming, we all know by now that ‘self care’ is likely needed. And when we see people we love struggling, we often answer with some form of “take care of yourself.” But what does that even mean?
I was talking to a therapist about my three-year-old son’s big feelings, and how he is doing so well at taking deep breaths when he needs to calm down.
“These huge tantrums will come out of nowhere and shake him,” I said. “But eventually, I can get him to take a couple of deep breaths. And when he’s ready, he’ll crawl into my lap, snuggle, and take some deep breaths against my chest. I can feel him calm down. It’s really amazing.”
“And who’s lap are you crawling into?”
What a powerful question that was.
She wasn’t talking about a literal lap (let’s keep this PG here, friends). She was talking about the things that could calm my nervous system down the way my presence could calm my son down. And that made me completely rethink what self care was for me.
For so long, my interpretation of self care was what was being marketed to me. And in moments of stress, or even crisis, I’d pull out my “self care” stuff — the nail polish, the candles, the teas, etc. And I’d do all the things. But after doing the things, I’d wonder why, often times, I didn’t feel any better. Wasn’t self care supposed to heal me?
It took me many years into adulthood to realize that self care that works is based around fulfilling your needs. So in order to know what self care will work for you, you need to be able to identify your needs. It took me a long time to do that (too long), and thus took a long time to nail down a self care regime that worked for me.
I’ve had many friends tell me that they know they need “self care” but they have no idea what it looks like. That’s because every person’s needs are unique, and that makes it so hard to generally prescribe.
One size does not fit all. Everyone has a different pill, or combination of pills, that works for them. And it’s not a “take once and it works” kind of a deal. Unfortunately. It’s a “take at regular intervals until you see improvement” kind of a thing. Self care must be consistent and persistent.
It’s been a very stressful and overwhelming few months (several months? year? two years?), so I thought now was as good a time as any to share what self care means to me, and why, as a highly sensitive person and empath. Everyone is different though, so please take what you love and leave the rest. But at the very least, I hope this helps you think more mindfully about your own self care needs.
The “Easy” Fixes
When metaphorical bombs go off in our lives, it’s really hard to think calmly and clearly about the type of self care we need. We want to feel better, and fast. We reach for the easy fixes.
Chances are you know what these are for you. For me, they are red wine or craft beer, staying up late (ever heard of Revenge Bedtime Procrastination? It’s real), sleeping until the absolute last possible minute to get more sleep, shopping online (for the thrill of getting something new), and eating junk (and lots of it).
These things feel comforting in the moment. They help numb a bit of whatever I might be going through. But the reason I know that they are easy fixes is because they are not lasting. They’re like a sugar high. It feels great for a short while, but it wears off quickly, and you usually feel worse once it does.
Sometimes, when the need for self care is blaring like a siren, there’s no choice but to reach for the easy fixes. But so often, the headache from two glasses of wine, the junk food hangover, or the exhaustion I’ll feel stumbling to my son’s room early in the morning (after staying up late and missing my quiet alone time before he wakes up) are just not worth it. I don’t wake up and feel taken care of, and isn’t that the point of self care?
That doesn’t mean that wine, and the rest of my easy fixes, can’t be self care. (A glass of wine and a cheese board are go-to self care for me.) It just helps to know what kind of care they are and how much is too much. And it helps to know that they’re short term fixes that just might do to trick until I can get to the more lasting, more reliable helpers.
The Actual Fixes Are All About the Basics
The actual self care fixes are not easy buttons. They can take more work and preparation. But they’re like a lovely, nutritious meal that you prepare from scratch before running a marathon (rather than eating a carton of ice cream before taking off). They can take some time and thought, but they fuel you for longer.
Self care looks different for everyone, and I’m certainly not an expert. But I am an empath, and I have discovered that there are certain things that empaths, in general, tend to feel are more soothing for their nervous systems. In the last year, I’ve spent a lot of time digging into the “why” of self care for empaths, and these practices, done mindfully, have really worked wonders. For me (and I’m sure other empaths out there will relate), it’s all about having creative outlets for stress and feelings, recharging by focusing just on myself, decompressing from emotional overwhelm, and utilizing sensory stuff that helps get me out of my head and in touch with my body.
My Creative Basics
An earlier version of myself knew the things that were good for me, but I didn’t label those things as ‘self care’. Writing, dancing, singing, listening to music so loud that it reverberated in my chest. Those things were just a part of my life when I was younger. I didn’t have to analyze what they meant to me until I unintentionally stopped utilizing them to fuel my soul. I monetized all of these passions, and that changed everything.
Throughout the majority of 2020, in the throws of the pandemic, political upheaval, and cries for racial justice, I became obsessed with keeping up to date with the news and with learning as much as I possibly could. Without meaning to, I replaced all music with podcasts and audiobooks. My brain was constantly taking in information, which meant that it was rarely resting. I wasn’t giving my mind a break, and I suffered from the overstimulation.
For my birthday in February 2021, a good friend of mine sent me a playlist filled with treasured musical theater songs that we used to belt together in the car when we were in our twenties. That day, I took my usual walk around my neighborhood. But instead of throwing on a podcast or audiobook, I put on that playlist. My mood was instantly elevated by the songs I used to love with full abandon. I found myself singing under my breath as I walked, stepping in time to each song’s rhythm.
The word ‘abandon’ was what came up for me while I was listening to the music that day. I used to sing with abandon, in my shower, in my car, anytime and anywhere I was alone. Since becoming a mom, I’m never (okay, rarely) alone. I realized I’d stopped singing just for the fun of it. If I had to rehearse a song for a show or a cabaret, I’d carve out time. But I’d never just mess around with abandon.
I used to dance with abandon after I discovered my personal movement style in a college class. I’d throw on music that spoke to my soul and I’d just let my body move, creating shapes and movement phrases that made sense of the feelings I couldn’t translate into words. Then, I started working as a paid choreographer, and the only dance I did from then on was in the service of whatever show I was working on.
I used to write everything down. I have journals and journals of poetry, short stories, feelings, and random thoughts that were stuck in my head. I could channel my feelings into my writing, and getting those feelings down on paper could help me get out of my own head. Then, I got an amazing full-time job as a writer and editor and I stopped writing for myself. There wasn’t time, and I wasn’t getting paid to do it.
I always knew those three key things (writing, singing and dancing) were a large part of who I was as a person. But I never thought of those things as ‘self care’. When I was younger, they were just things I did that felt good. And because they brought me joy, I worked hard to utilize those skills to earn paychecks to support my lifestyle. But after I monetized my passions, they stopped serving me in the self care department. I didn’t realize it as it was happening, but I certainly felt the way these passions started draining me more than they were fueling me.
It was only recently that it occurred to me to return to the basics. I’d started writing again, just for the joy and the freedom and the thrill of it. So months ago, I thought about my old friends: singing and dancing. When was the last time I had just danced with no agenda? When was the last time I’d sung loudly, without worrying about disturbing a sleeping child, just because?
Then one day, it just clicked.
Trying to meet a deadline, creating movement for a show I don’t love with music that doesn’t speak to me is not self care. But putting on beautiful music and letting my body move without rules or deadlines is very much self care.
Preparing songs for auditions or projects under a deadline is not self care. But singing songs that I’ll never get paid to sing, just because my feelings want to come out through song, is self care.
Writing all day in service of a job (while important in putting food on the table) is not self care. But getting words out of my head, stringing beautiful sentences together, and being able to make sense of my own feelings by reading my own words on a page feels like self care.
Work is obviously important, and doing what you love is a massive privilege that I am so grateful to have. But the lesson I learned is that even if you love your work, it may not (and probably doesn’t) check off many, or any, boxes in the self care department.
For me, a large part of self care is about having an outlet for my big and often overwhelming feelings. Sometimes the words won’t come, so I’ll dance. Sometimes the moves won’t come, so I’ll sing a borrowed song that gives voice to my mood. But whatever creative outlet I use, I try to carve out time for these passions in their purest form. The form that’s not monetized or on a deadline. The form that I do just because it fuels me, or helps me release what I need to let go of.
My Sensory Basics
Water
Baths are a pretty common form of self care. But I also know a lot of people who take baths and find themselves fidgeting all over the place because they can’t calm themselves down. They’re just in the bath because baths and bath products have been advertised to them as self care. But for me, it’s not about the products. It’s about the water itself.
I’ve always found I feel better after a bath (or a soak in a hot tub, or a swim in a warm pool). So it came as no surprise to me when I learned about the healing powers of water for empaths. My big emotions can leave me feeling unstable and and unsettled, but water helps me feel supported, surrounded and calm. Even the sound of crashing waves at the beach (my favorite place on Earth) is enough to take me from stressed to mellow within minutes.
And I can’t talk about water without talking about drinking it. By now, the importance of getting enough water is ingrained in us. But it’s true — drinking a full glass of water first thing in the morning, and then making sure I’m getting at least 3 liters throughout the day, makes me feel more energized than any amount of coffee.
Escaping Into Nature
There wasn’t much to do during the height of the pandemic when we were all stuck at home. So I incorporated a daily walk into my routine. I figured I’d ditch the walk after I had the ability to go back to yoga and other workout classes. But my walk has remained a staple of most days. I’ve just made my walk more mindful.
I try to start each walk without any podcasts or audiobooks. I start either in silence or with some gentle, background-type music. I activate my senses in a mindful way. I try to breathe in the outside air deeply, noticing how it’s different from the indoor air. I listen for sounds around me — birds, cars driving, wind chimes from neighbors’ doorsteps. I notice how the wind feels against my exposed skin. I take in the feeling of each foot being placed, one after the other, on the ground. All of these things make my walk feel like an actual escape.
Deep Breathing and Diffusing Essential Oils
I’ve been hooked on essential oils for a while, and though I know they are heavily marketed for self care, I find they work so well. Lavender (though my husband isn’t a huge fan — whoops, sorry honey) helps me slow and deepen my breaths at night, calming me enough to drift easily to sleep. A couple of drops of clary sage on an essential oil bracelet are perfect for calming me down when my anxiety spikes. And sweet orange in the diffuser on my desk makes me feel more alert and refreshed.
And when it comes to tea (which I do love), I found that the main reason why it calms me down is the smell, not the taste. Sticking my nose in a steaming mug of beautiful tea helps me to breathe deeply, and that’s where the self care comes into play for me.
Moving My Body
When the beauty of moving my body in a hot, darkened yoga studio, breathing deeply with other yogis, was ripped away from me in March 2020, I floundered for a bit. I just always felt so good after yoga. It was one of the first activities I returned to after recovering from my C-section. And I couldn’t see the benefit of doing yoga without the benefits of the studio environment.
But the reason yoga is self care for me is not the hot room or the other people. It’s about intentionally moving my body. It’s about bringing the focus out of my own head and into feelings and senses. Like my three-year-old, I am not great at being still for long periods of time. It’s like there’s an energy within me that I constantly have to work out.
I’ve tried to continue to meet that need of mine however I can, with yoga outside, with online classes, with walking, or with dancing. Just the act of moving my body helps me care for myself.
Eating Well
I don’t just mean that literally. Eating well, for me, is a complete experience. I love the experience of eating well from start to finish. Finding beautiful new recipes, or trying a new-to-me cheese that an expert recommends at the store. I love preparing seasonal veggies and creating a rainbow of nutrients on my family’s plates.
The tough thing about this self care item is that as a mom, meal prep and meal planning has actually become more of a stressor than something that fills my cup. It’s very similar to how I monetized my passions. This passion has become a necessity. A pressing commitment that never ends. (I won’t even get started on the impact of a toddler’s picky eating on this passion.)
I try to care for my whole family by feeding them well. But when I want to care for just myself, anyone who knows me well will tell you I’m making a cheese and/or charcuterie board. I’m going to find some new cheeses to try, some fresh fruits to pop on the plate and some other delicious spreads and accoutrements to complete the board. Eating the board is always a treat, but equally as wonderful is the preparation of something beautiful for myself.
Crying
How many times have you felt better after a really good cry? I’ve held back tears so often in my life, usually in an effort to not make people uncomfortable. But once I realized that crying was a really effective way to get locked up feelings out, I try to get good cries out as often as possible. A lot of times, my creative basics will bring the tears on, and that helps to complete the cycle of care.
Crying as self care. Who knew?
New (and Very Necessary) Basics
These are the things I’ve discovered, and incorporated, more recently into my everyday life. And I don’t think I’ll ever let them go.
Early Morning Alone Time
One of my biggest complaints with new motherhood, that was exacerbated throughout the pandemic, was never having enough alone time. As a bit of a night owl, my husband’s alone time tends to be after I go to bed. So I’ve known for some time that my chance at alone time would be before the people in my world woke up. But that meant becoming a morning person. And I have never, ever been a morning person.
It was hard to make the shift and change my habits. But it has been so worth it. I start each morning now at least 20 minutes before my son wakes up. After I drink my glass of water, I make a fresh cup of coffee, throw my favorite blanket over my shoulders, and if it’s nice enough, I head out to my back porch.
This has become such treasured time that involves so many self care goodies. Coffee — duh. A blanket, which has a similar effect on me as water. The gravity of blankets, especially heavy or weighted ones, helps me feel secure, surrounded and safe. And breathing the fresh air outside rejuvenates me and makes me feel ready to conquer the day ahead.
My one important rule for morning time? No news and no social media. I don’t like to be aware of the state of the world until after I become mom for the day. My early morning listening is limited to motivational podcasts (usually about writing), uplifting audiobooks, light jazz (if I’m reading a physical book), or just the sounds of nature from my backyard.
Sleep Meditations
Meditation has been recommended to me for as long as I can remember. And for some reason, I had never been able to incorporate it into my daily routine. Then I discovered the power of sleep meditations.
I’m laying down and going to bed anyway, right? I may as well put on a meditation to help me decompress mindfully, release the stress of the day, and focus on my own body and breathing. Being in my head all of the time, it used to be a real hurdle when it came to drifting to sleep quickly. Sometimes it would take me hours to stop processing the day long enough to rest.
Sleep meditations (I use the ones from the free Insight Timer app) have honestly been life-changing. I fall asleep so much more quickly. And with better sleep and mindful meditations, I’m getting a two for one in the self care department.
Saying “No” and Setting Boundaries
This is a big one for me. This ties into my tendency to drain myself with my people pleasing. I never want to let people down. I always want to be a go-to person for people. My instinct is always to say “yes, I’ll figure it out.” But not only is there power in saying “no” — there is sanity, and there is peace, and there is preservation of energy for the things that I really, actually, want to say “yes” to.
I’ve been actively practicing saying “no” more this year, and let me tell you: it’s hard, but it’s really empowering. When you start valuing yourself more, you stop being so loose with the time you give away. There is so much strength in knowing your limits, and mindfully choosing where and how to exert your precious energy. In being more mindful about the things you say “yes” to, you are literally choosing to care for yourself.
Something I read from one of my favorite (and also biracial) role models, Elaine Welteroth, continues to stick with me.
So basically, the deal I made with myself is I don’t just want to say yes or no. I want to say hell yes or nah. And only you know what the criteria is for arriving at a hell yes for you. But write it down and get clear on what actually fuels you, what actually energizes you, and what you actually enjoy doing. And try to spend more of your time doing the projects that are really fulfilling.
Elaine Welteroth
So here’s to “hell yes” — and here’s to saying “no” to everything else.
Keeping a Self Care Journal
This is crucial. This blog post is essentially a highlight reel from my self care journal.
It’s so important to keep track of the things that work for you, and the things that don’t. Did the wine help, or did you just feel crappier in the morning, for example? How did you feel after your walk around the neighborhood? What’s something that helped get you out of your head and more in tune with your body?
I, for one, can’t believe I went a decade without remembering two of my most vital self care tools. If I had been keeping track of the things that helped and fueled me, I wouldn’t have forgotten that dancing around for no reason and writing down my feelings and memories helped make me a more balanced, and cared for, person.
Take those awesome things you’ve written down and schedule at least some of them into every single day. You deserve them. You need them. You matter. Take it from me — if you don’t, all the difficult, draining stuff will take precedence, you’ll run out of gas, and you’ll end up in an endless cycle with your easy fixes. Prioritize your self care, and there will be more of you available to give away to the people and the projects you love or require your energy. I will be returning to these words again and again until it comes naturally.